Of Pens and Possibilities
by HannahScho
Summary: Season 3, episode 8 of "Anne with an E" again left me with so many feelings! The slow burn is beautiful and killing me at the same time. So, I came up with this tag, picking up where episode 8 leaves off with Anne unequivocally realising she is in love with Gilbert Blythe but is she ready to do anything about that? One shot.


Anne and Diana had just reconciled after their awful quarrel and were lying side by side on Anne's bed with contentment written all over their faces. Being together again brought peace of mind and with the worry about Diana now erased, Anne's thoughts yet again turned to Gilbert, as they seemed to do so often these days. Gilbert… there was something so special about Gilbert… the way he had spoken with her and had looked at her in the light of that bonfire… "Oh my… Oh no!" she thought as realization struck her. Anne bolted upright from her position lying next to Diana on her bed.

"I'm in love with Gilbert Blythe!" she exclaimed, allowing that truth to finally take hold of her heart.

Diana, a little confused, sat up next to her, studying her friend closely. "What did you say?" she asked.

Anne turned to her best friend, tears now filling her eyes and repeated almost hysterically, "I am in love with Gilbert Blythe!"

Diana started grinning from ear to ear and started pushing Anne off the bed. "You must go and tell him now, before it's too late!" she said excitedly. Anne, however, would not be pushed.

"I can't," she stated simply, feeling suddenly very deflated.

"But… but… if you don't, he'll marry Winifred…" Diana protested.

"That's his choice, not mine," Anne said a little bitterly.

"But… how can he make an informed decision, if he doesn't know that you care for him?"

"Don't you see? Me loving him won't change anything!" Diana frowned, not comprehending and Anne continued, "I have nothing to offer him, Diana! I'm just a freckled, red-headed orphan who is too rash and too… young. I have no riches to offer, I can't help him live his dreams…"

"That's nonsense! You have so much to offer!" Diana again protested.

"I don't! Going to the Sorbonne is Gilbert's dream, improving the world as a doctor is his dream. Winifred can offer him that. And she's beautiful. And he likes her."

"But he loves you."

"He didn't actually say those words, you know. Just that I was the one thing standing between him and his dreams. And I will not be that one thing…"

"Anne…"

"No, Diana! I can't! I have dreams of my own too… I also want to change the world… and to go to college… and become a teacher and I want to fight for justice! I can't do that as a married woman with… with… seven children, keeping house! I'm 16, I'm nowhere near ready for marriage before I find what I want for myself!"

"Anne…"

"It's useless, Diana. I could tell Gilbert that I love him and he may choose me, but what then? I can't accept marriage…"

"Maybe he doesn't want to get married yet either…"

"You think? He's getting ready to propose to Winifred! Maybe he already has proposed! Of course he wants marriage and I can't give him that. I have nothing to offer him… I want him to be happy, I want him to live his dreams and be married if he wants to be, Diana." Anne said, falling into Diana's arms and laying her head on her friend's shoulder, tears now starting to fall freely. "If you love someone, you want them to live their best lives, and Gilbert's best life is not with me."

"I think that's his decision to make, and not yours. You should still tell him and let him decide."

"No," Anne said, sitting upright again. "He laid the decision at my feet that night and now I am making it and I will not be the one holding him back!"

Diana still looked doubtful.

"Please, Diana, you can not tell anyone about this. Ever! Promise me!"

"And here I was just saying that I don't want to keep secrets anymore."

"Your own secrets! You cannot tell mine…"

"If there is one thing I've been learning, Anne, it's that being honest, especially when it comes to the big moments in life, is the best policy. I will not spill your secret, I promise, but you may have to do so yourself, one day, no matter how painful it is."

"I cannot tell Gilbert. I have absolutely nothing to offer him…" Anne whispered.

Diana pulled her friend close for another hug. "One day," she muttered and let her friend quietly sob on her shoulder.

* * *

Every day Anne expected Gilbert or Bash to ride up to the Cuthbert farm and give them the happy news of Gilbert's engagement and every day nothing came. With no school to distract her, Marilla asked Anne to come help Bash's mother at the Blythe-Lacroix farm but Anne vehemently declined, stating she was too busy. She threw herself headlong into helping Ka'kwet not having to go back to that horrid residential school again. Fighting for justice, that is what she could do! She remembered the last time she had done that, with Gilbert at her side, making a great team… no, she couldn't be thinking about that!

She was riding home from the Mi'kmaq village, trying for the millionth time to NOT think about Gilbert, when none other than Gilbert appeared on horseback in front of her. Her heart, racing from exercise and not thinking about Gilbert, seemed to stop beating for a few seconds when she realized who that was that appeared before her. The polite thing to do was to slow down and brace herself for any news. She hadn't seen Gilbert since that night at the ruins over a week ago and with the new realization about the truth in her heart, she was finding it suddenly difficult to breathe or swallow. They rode up to each other. Gilbert was the first to speak.

"Hello, Anne. I was just at your house but Matthew said you were out…"

"Yes, I was visiting Ka'kwet."

"Your Indian friend… you have the most unusual friends…" he half smiled.

Anne nodded and smiled stiffly in return. She didn't trust herself to speak much, especially now with the look they gave each other being a little too long.

Gilbert cleared his throat. "I…erm… I was looking to return this to you…" he said, pulling her pen out of his pocket.

"Oh…" was all Anne was able say in return. He was holding it up but not handing it to her yet, so she was unsure what to do.

"I…erm… was in Charlottetown the other day," Gilbert continued, "and when I reached into my pocket looking for the ri… for something, I found this. I'm sorry I kept it, I didn't realize I still had it."

Anne wasn't quite sure what to say, not trusting herself to speak, so she just reached out her hand for it. Gilbert, however, seemed a little lost in staring at the pen.

"It's a very beautiful pen," he half mumbled.

"Thank you for returning it. It's my pen of possibilities," Anne said, finally finding her tongue again.

Gilbert woke up from his daze and looked at her, lifting a confused eyebrow but with a smile as well.

"Pen of possibilities?" he asked. He now saw her extended hand, leaned forward on his horse and laid the pen in hers.

"Yes, I dubbed it that once," Anne smiled, "I will live independently as a teacher and by my pen. A world of adventure awaits me and I will change what is wrong in the world by using my pen!"

"Then I am extra sorry that I have kept it from you for so long. I would never want to stand in the way of your possibilities, of your dreams of independence and adventure…" he said earnestly.

Something in his tone of voice made Anne lift her eyes to his. The earnestness was in his eyes too. It was almost too much to bear and she couldn't help herself by blurting out, "I could never stand in the way of your dreams either, Gilbert…"

There it was again, that confused look on Gilbert's face. He always seemed confused looking at her. Somehow, for someone with so many words in her, she was never able to say all she needed to with him. Anne quickly tucked away the pen.

"I am happy you can live your dreams with Winifred," she added. Oh, couldn't she just shut up? She quickly took Belle's reigns and with a "Thanks again, I have to go!" she dashed away.

She did hear him call out, "Anne!" after her and she threw a look over her shoulder and yelled back, "Sorry! No time!" and just left him there. Would her heart forever break at any sight or mention of Gilbert Blythe? She feared it would…

* * *

Another week later found Anne all dressed up in a dazzling, dark blue gown with Cole working on putting her hair up, with delicate loose curled wisps of hair adorning her face. They were at aunt Josephine's house in Charlottetown. The Queen's exam results had come in a day after she had talked to Gilbert on horseback and everyone had passed, even Diana! She had only just scraped through, but she had passed! Diana's parents were furious with her, so Diana was staying with aunt Jo to ride out the storm. Anne had tied with Gilbert for the highest exam score and had been overjoyed and relieved, but had not been able to go to the Blythe-Lacroix farm to congratulate him and he hadn't come by the Cuthbert farm either. For her it was too painful and she figured he would be too preoccupied with Winifred anyhow to even care.

When the good news had reached aunt Josephine, she immediately set out to invite the whole class of 1899 to an afternoon party of fun and dancing at her home in Charlottetown. Yes, even Gilbert had been invited, Diana told her, and everyone invited was allowed to bring two guests. Anne had invited Marilla and Matthew. If Gilbert was coming with Winifred, Anne knew she could use all the support of loved ones she could get and she couldn't think of a greater comfort than having Matthew and Marilla there.

There had been no news of an engagement between Gilbert and Winifred yet. Were they keeping it a secret? Now with the exam results out, and the knowledge that Gilbert had done so well, there could be no reason to hide the engagement anymore, could there? Anne felt very impatient, not knowing, but having Cole work on her hair cheered her up. When they met with Diana, Matthew and Marilla, all of them gushed over how beautiful she looked.

"You should always wear your hair like that, Anne!" Diana smiled widely.

"If I had a Cole living in my house, I would!" Anne grinned and the group made their way down the stairs to the party that was beginning to form as the guests arrived.

All the girls had agreed beforehand that this would be the day they'd all put their hair up and, on seeing each other, each girl was filled with excitement over how beautiful the other girls looked. The young graduating men were all a little nervous with all these grown up looking women around them.

The party was starting up in the ballroom, when the final two guests arrived. Gilbert, handsome as ever, came with none other than Bash as his guest of honor. He was late, but he was there, finally.

"Where's Winifred?" everyone seemed to be asking. Anne, hiding behind Cole, was feeling more confused than ever. Yes, why hadn't he brought Winifred? Maybe Winifred had other engagements? Didn't rich young ladies always have somewhere to be? But even so, as a fiancée, wasn't it her duty to support her intended in his graduation celebration?

"Let's go," she whispered to Cole and pulled him along after her into the ballroom.

"You have to talk to him sometime!" Cole whispered back.

"Not if I can avoid it," she said as she turned a corner so that Gilbert was not visible to her anymore.

She wasn't standing there long when she heard the warm, happy voice of Bash behind her.

"Anne! There you are!" he said and Anne took a deep breath while turning around to face him, plastering a smile on her face. When she turned, however, she found that Gilbert wasn't with Bash and she felt like she could breathe again.

"Bash!" she smiled, now with delight, "How wonderful that you came!"

"My presence may have shocked some people here," he said with a wink.

Looking around Anne saw that he was right. She grinned. "It's always good to challenge the status quo. Aunt Josephine will be ever so pleased. Why… erm… why were you so late?"

Bash laughed, "Delly toppled a bowl of applesauce over Gilbert's sleeve and we only just made the train but had to buy him a different shirt once we arrived in Charlottetown as he had no clean dress shirts ready at home." He then looked at her closely and became more serious, "It's so good to see you again, Anne. You look very beautiful this afternoon. I haven't seen you for a while. We've missed you at the Blythe-Lacroix farm. Where have you been hiding out?"

"I've… just been busy," Anne said, a little unsure of what else to say and then quickly changed the subject by proceeding to re-introduce Cole to Bash. It was then that the music started to play and Cole invited Anne to dance.

On the dancefloor, from the corner of her eye, she finally saw Gilbert in profile as he was talking to Matthew and Marilla. Marilla pointed in Anne's direction and Gilbert's gaze followed. Even though Anne was in Cole's arms, the world around her seemed to fade away as her gaze met Gilbert's. She saw his eyes widen and his mouth drop open at the sight of her, his eyes now following her every movement. Yes, he too was probably surprised at how she looked, just as he probably was surprised at how every Avonlea schoolgirl looked today. Of course, no one would be able to compare to Miss Winifred Rose, but Anne did feel a little more self-assured knowing she looked more like a young woman than a schoolgirl this afternoon. The thought of Winifred helped Anne come to her senses, and she quickly tore her eyes away from Gilbert's and focused all her attention on Cole again. Her heart was beating wildly and she told herself that had nothing to do with Gilbert, it was all about the exertion of dancing.

She did the next dance with Charlie and the one after that with Diana. There was a group dance that Bash seemed to rope Gilbert into but he was dancing at the other end of the group, Anne had made sure of that by positioning herself elsewhere when she felt him not too far away from her. Then later, while Gilbert danced with Diana, she made sure she was nowhere near him but talking to Miss Stacy or aunt Josephine or whoever she could focus all her attention on. At some point, it all became almost too much to bear, and she snuck away, walking into aunt Jo's beautiful garden for some peace and quiet. She stopped at a rose bush, breathed in the smell and sighed with her eyes closed. She stood there for a little while, calming her heart, trying to find a little peace.

"Josephine Barry really has a beautiful garden. She seems like a beautiful soul too," Anne heard Gilbert say behind her.

She swung around and just gawped at him. Why, when she was doing everything to avoid him, did she have to find herself standing alone with him on a beautiful summer's afternoon in a beautiful garden?

"Hi, Anne," Gilbert then said, "I haven't had a moment to speak with you since…" He didn't finish that sentence.

"Hi Gilbert. Yes… it's been… busy," Anne half croaked while inside her head she was screaming 'Where's Winifred? Where's Winifred?'

Gilbert just looked at her. Why did he always have to look at her like that?

"I need to get back…" she started and made to move past him.

He touched her arm however. "Wait," he said softly and that stopped her in her tracks.

They both looked down at his hand on her arm for a moment, before he let go. They looked up at each other again and Gilbert cleared his throat.

"I just wanted to say…" he began, "erm… oh yes, congratulations on your results!"

He motioned his hand before him, inviting her to join him for a stroll and Anne reluctantly fell in step by his side.

"Congratulations to you too," Anne said with a little smile. "Guess I wasn't able to beat you fair and square after all."

"I like being tied better than being beaten or beating you," Gilbert smiled. "I think I prefer us to be fair and square equal partners than winners or losers."

Anne closed her eyes for a moment, feeling a little overwhelmed. Us? Equals? They walked in silence for a few seconds before Anne said, "I was expecting to see you come with Winifred this afternoon."

She could hear Gilbert beside her take in a deep breath. There seemed to be a little hesitation before he breathed out again and then softly said, "I broke it off with Winifred a week ago. I wasn't being fair to her. I... erm… I really like her, as a friend, but I can't love her as a husband."

That stopped Anne dead in her tracks and she swung around to face him.

"But Gilbert! What about the Sorbonne? And all your dreams?"

Gilbert stopped to face her as well.

"They don't have to be tied to a marriage with Winifred," he said, calmly looking into her eyes. He took another deep breath and then added softly, "My dreams are right here before me, right now."

Very much like that night at the ruins Anne's mouth fell open as she stared back at him. She just couldn't fathom all he was saying.

"But… you can't! … Paris! … Winifred is so beautiful! … I can offer you nothing! … Don't be foolish on my account! …Gilbert, you must go back to…"

Gilbert then grabbed Anne's hands and quickly interrupted her. "Anne! Please, don't say anything! Just hear me out."

"But…"

"No, please. Let me speak without interruption!" he said looking into her eyes imploringly. He then relaxed his hold and smiled, "I know it's difficult for you to not say anything but let me just say what I have to say, alright? I just want everything to finally be clear between us, for all to be out in the open."

Anne just numbly nodded and Gilbert let go of her hands as they turned to stroll on.

"That night, at the ruins, I let my choice depend on your reaction and that wasn't fair of me. At all. I came to realize that my choice should depend on my own feelings and not on yours. Or Winifred's or anyone else's feelings. I was indeed intending to propose to Winifred and I went to see her last week with every intention of doing so. But then, when I found myself in that situation, I was feeling my pockets for the ri… well, I had my hands in my pockets and I found your pen there. The one you later told me was called your 'pen of possibilities'. Such an apt name! Anyway, it made me think of you. Of how honest you are and how you would never settle, that you would never sell your soul for something you wanted, that you would always only be fair and square in fighting for your dreams. Yes, Winifred was my ticket to the Sorbonne, to a life of riches and prestige and if I had been head over heels in love with her, it would have been alright. But I realized, holding your pen, that only one person holds my heart and I couldn't sell Winifred short by promising to love her forever when I knew that promise would be a lie. It wouldn't be fair to her, or to me, or even to you."

By now Anne had stopped walking and Gilbert had stopped as well, quietly standing beside her. She could feel his look on her but she couldn't make herself look up at him. She found herself staring at the line of trees ahead, trying to process all Gilbert was saying. She then folded her arms across her chest and turned her back to him, closing her eyes and raising her face to the sun, wanting to soak up the warmth. What was he really saying? Gilbert, now behind her, spoke up again.

"I can't attain what I dream of through empty promises, Anne. Yes, I still want to go to the Sorbonne and I hope one day to be able to, I will just have to find another way. Mary on her deathbed made me promise that if I ever marry, I should marry for love and I want to honor that promise one day. So, I gave up Winnie, because it wouldn't be fair to have her stuck with someone for life who doesn't love her enough and I gave her up for me as well, for my own sanity, because I can never feel for her as I feel for you… I know you don't feel the same way, Anne, but that is alright. I just needed to be honest with you, and with Winnie, and with myself. I will pursue my dreams through Queens and through any other avenue I can find that feels right. As for you and me…" here Gilbert's voice broke for a moment before he went on. "For you and me, I hope that one day we can be friends again. I ask nothing more than that."

He then too fell silent as they both stared up to the sky. Anne's feelings were in turmoil, trying to process everything he had said. He wasn't in love with Winifred, he didn't want to attain his goals at the price of Winifred, and he had feelings for her, Anne. It was almost too much to bear! And yet, she could not be happy because even if she admitted to Gilbert that she did love him in return, there still was no way she would be able to marry him! And she couldn't admit her love and get his hopes up to only dash them again! Tears were now falling down her cheeks and still she couldn't speak.

"You may say something now," Gilbert finally said, breaking the silence.

Anne took a deep breath to gather her strength, then turned around to face him. She registered a look of shock on his face when he saw her tears.

"Gilbert," she croaked, "I don't know what to say…" and before she knew what was happening he was pulling her towards him. She landed in his arms as he pressed her to him in an embrace. She laid her head on his shoulder and let the comfort of his arms wash over her.

"I don't mean to upset you, Anne, I just want to be your friend," he said softly into her hair. "I hope we can be that again."

Oh, how she wanted that too! But could she be honest with him about her true feelings? Gilbert wanted to marry for love and she didn't want to get married at all! And then she remembered Diana's words the day they had reconciled, about truth always being the best policy in the big moments in life. No matter how difficult the truth was. Gilbert had been open with her, she owed him that in return at the very least. She sighed and lifted her head but she didn't pull out of his arms. Instead she rested her cheek against his and said softly, "I love you too, Gilbert…"

He had been softly rocking her in his embrace and that rocking suddenly stilled. She needed to quickly continue what she was saying before he got his hopes up.

"But I cannot marry you…" she hastily added, before stepping away from him.

To say he looked shocked was putting it mildly. His eyes were brimming. Did she really see tears there for her? He looked happy and in shock at the same time.

"Wh… what did you say?" he asked, searching her eyes desperately for answers.

"I can't marry you…"

"No, no. The other thing."

"I… I… care for you, Gilbert. I think I have always have, although I guess I never knew how to show it… but I only very recently realized that I… that I love you…"

He now frowned, still uncomprehending. "But… why didn't you say anything when you knew how I felt about you?"

"I didn't want to be responsible for ruining your dreams!"

"You wouldn't have," he said softly.

"I know that now. But I also know that even though I love you, I can't marry you!" Anne said, taking another step back and trying wildly to explain. "I have nothing to offer you, Gilbert, and I have dreams of my own that I want to pursue and if I married you… if I married anyone… I would have to focus on being a wife and maybe a… a mother… and I don't want to be that. Not yet, not now, before I have explored all my own… possibilities!"

Gilbert stepped in again and took hold of her hands. "Using your _pen_ of possibilities, no doubt," he said, a smile slowly forming. He then lifted her hands to his lips and kissed them. Then, holding her hands close to his chest, he added, "You know, I don't think I am ready to be married yet either, Anne. I mean, if you wanted to, I would do so in a heartbeat! But, maybe we need to figure some things out, first…"

She searched his eyes with hers. Did he really mean that? He dropped their hands but never let hers go, only leaning back slightly so he could properly observe her reactions. She drank in the look in his eyes as he continued.

"I love you, have always loved you! Just ask Bash, he can tell you, he realized it before I ever did. I think I have loved you ever since you smashed that slate on my head. Bash also helped me realize this past week that maybe I've been rushing into things lately and that I am only just of age, that it's alright to slow down and just be 18 for a while, without needing to be a responsible married adult. You… you make me see light in a world that has often been so dark for me. You make me feel young and that there is a world of… possibility out there, where recently I have been feeling so old. We make a rather good… T-E-A-M, remember? Maybe, to start with, we can explore all future possibilities, together as… as… good friends… or something..."

A smile started spreading over her lips as she nodded. "You really don't want to get married yet?"

"One day I probably will, but we can cross that bridge when we get there, sometime far into the future..."

"Oh good!" Anne then exclaimed enthusiastically, as she pulled her hands free of Gilbert's and threw them in the air, twirling around and laughing. She then stopped and faced him again, grinning, "We can be life mates, Gilbert! I like that far more than being just husband and wife. We can be life mates and neither one of us will have to abandon our hearts desires, we can be equal partners in exploring our dreams together!"

"Equal partners and life mates, I like that," he grinned back at her and then sheepishly added, "who would probably enjoy kissing each other on occasion as well, I imagine…"

Anne's eyes grew large at the suggestion and then her grin widened. She stepped towards him again, placed her hands on his cheeks, tiptoed, and then planted a kiss square on his lips. It was a brief but firm kiss and she was almost shocked at her own audacity, already starting to pull back. Gilbert's initial shock seemed to ebb away instantly, he wasn't ready to have her move away.

"Stay!" he said a little hoarsely and then placed his arms around her waist, pulling her towards him. Anne willingly let herself be pulled into his embrace, her eyes fixed to his and then to his lips. He looked at her lips as well and then lowered his face until their lips now met in a gentle, long and very lingering kiss. Their lips seemed to instinctively know what to do as they slowly got to know what the other felt like, so close and softly welded together.

Anne's heart soared, it felt like her chest would burst open with butterflies escaping and she completely lost herself in the kiss that seemed to go on forever until they finally had to pause so they could come back up for air. They stood in each other's arms, looking at each other in complete wonder.

"I wish I could offer you wealth and beauty, but I'm just an orphan with red hair and too may freckles and too much of a temper and..."

"Shh, Anne, please don't sell yourself short! You have no idea how beautiful you are, with your beautiful flaming red hair and your flaming passions. You take my breath away, the way you look this afternoon is another example of that. Being with you gives me all the wealth I could ever hope for."

Anne blushed at his praise and looked down. "You don't have to say that, Gilbert…" she started.

"You know, I could wonder what you see in me as well," he continued undeterred, lifting her chin so that she had to look up at him again. "I too am an orphan, which makes me your equal, and that's about all the advantage I can see in that. I have very little to my name, I own half a farm that will never make me rich and I look nothing like any storybook heroes you might admire…"

Anne's face broke into a shy smile. "I beg to differ," she said. "You do have a splendid chin, you know," she smiled as she helped bridge the distance between them and their lips found each other in another kiss. When they pulled away again, they studied each other seriously again, neither still quite believing their luck.

"Finally…" Gilbert then whispered, his eyes roving lovingly over her face.

"Finally…" Anne whispered back and then disappeared into Gilberts arms again for another embrace.

Together. They would face the future together, filled with possibilities, and as a team of equals, as life partners, they would change the world together.


End file.
